Questions without answers..

I wanted to write this nice and decent,
But I guess I lost my decency when I cannot,
I cannot sugar coat and make you look like good person when you are not,
Call this what ever you like, rage, letting out.
Do you know the meaning of rights?
Do you think you have the rights to talk about your rights when you gave it up?
What did you do the minute you learnt that I was expecting?
You went and got a dose of what you like best.
How much more was I going to take?
I think I took enough already and I was just hanging by a thread,
And you did the rest; it became very clear we were over,
The extend to what you can do never seize to amazes me,
To think I would choose to give away a precious soul,
How wrong can you get about me?
40 weeks I did on my own, thanks to almighty.
No-show at birth, no-show at naming, no-show for the circumcision, no-show for birthdays,
It’s a shame you don’t even know his birthday or how old he is.
Now why would I inform you when he is sick?
Why would I inform you what he may want?
Why would I want you near him?
And you still talk about rights?
Why do those rights to visit come up occasionally when ever you are bored or sober?
It does not make sense.
Do you have the right to tell me what I should do or what I need in life?
Why is that a problem to you?
We don’t need you, why would you want to be part of our lives.
To make up for what you already lost,
Nobody would believe that, if you keep visiting the jail every now & then,
What kind of role model can you be?
And what does that portray for him when I let you be there on & off.
I’m not supportive of what you are and I shall never be,
You were given the time to chose your pick,
And it looks like you have no choice but to stick to what you have befriended for years.
And I make mine now, and its best you stay away from us.
I’m protecting my own, making sure he has a good life without someone who’s jealous of his happiness and peace.
His not going to miss out on love cause he has got me.

The Frog Prince

This is the story of every boy or girl. Search for the right person, the “solid one” to spend the rest of the life happily ever after. Since childhood with all the fairytale stories we tend to believe the happily ever after really do happen and we all work to achieve that storyline. Everyone tries to find the soul mate and to get married in a fairytale over the top wedding and have babies that look like chubby cupcakes. Think not people that are not how it works in reality. This whole concept is totally wrong; people should not live under this perception. Love is a strong word, a strong feel that could blind your good instincts causing you a lot of heartbreak some times. It is a feeling that could be felt over and over again, if you find someone you like who meets your demands who is sometimes might be your total opposite or same characters it could happen. There no boundaries for it, only society and people set limits to it. You can love someone for years and come to find one day you do not feel the same anymore. End of story, marriages that were built on what they thought was solid foundation falls apart. And the search for the true love begins all over again. Either for a single person or a single mom or dad, people doesn’t know single people. They are the strangers in the society if they do not want companionship. Something is said to be wrong with the single people. It does not matter if they are content in life, and happy with their chosen paths. People expect to find a wrong person again and go through that same headaches and heartache all over again, maybe for a while they might be happy but who can predict future, who can say which relationship last forever and which will will not. What is relationship is about living the moment and when it’s over to let go just as those people came into our lives. Why is it so hard to give up? Why do people think they failed if a relationship ends? Why can’t we believe the fact that relationship ran its course and is over for good? If love is bound to happen let it happen in its time, why change a person’s personality and style to meet the demands in pursue of the finding the mate. I personally feel bad for the all the times I told people right person will come soon to their lives, wishing I did not give such hopeless advise. Being single has been great, put things in the right perspective, on most important things in my life. My priority has been set, on raising my little one to the best person that could be. I don’t want to be a single mom who just after having the baby is out chasing and looking for that right person again. I want to give my undivided attention to the little person who needs his mommy. Not just for now, forever. If you ask me I think relationship is hard work, too much bullshit. I don’t want to talk to some guy and ask away have you had lunch yet, did you just wake up, I don’t want to say I love you every time I hang up, nor do I miss intimacy. Anyways I get plenty of hugs and kisses which sometimes turn into bites from my son so for now that are more then enough to melt my heart. Also that small cute small voices that calls out to me saying mama is hundred times better then some man call me loabi. Some might say I am waiting for the lost love or for some one special to come along but no I am telling the truth when I say I am not looking for my frog.

Where I need to be…

This is certainly not the place I need to be, it’s like hell on earth sometimes. This is where all the bad happens, cursing, lying, cheating, stealing, harassing, back stabling, bad mouthing, revenge, list is endless. For some reason one human to another they don’t seem to want the other person to be happy and content with life. Some people it’s all about a competition, to be the best gal, best in studies, best job, and best husband and best of children. As in games unless the opponent is defeated one doesn’t stop. People trying to push people down, make them feel degraded and stressed and unhappy seems to be the goal and the winner turns out to be the people who do anything to achieve the goals. It’s pathetic, this race against each other, need to be number one. One cannot find fault with these kinds of people, if you do you rather build your own coffin and find the place you want to be buried in. Such a gloomy world, everyone is judging, planning and calculating to do better then the other. Forgetting we are here for a reason, to be faithful to God, to learn to wade off the bad and find our way to glory in the after life, certainly not here. The money, the clothes, the place you live does not matter. Essentials yes, but it’s not the most important things in life. The successful in this world believe the people who are losers in this world don’t have the right to speak or be heard, to be angry or to be happy, all they are left with is to be sad and depressed. Some people are just out to get the other people, sabotaging their chance at love and their happiness. It could be equivalent to killing someone, killing someone’s soul.

Dear Children,

Children are the greatest joy.Little people who can teach us a lot, to be nervous, to be brave and most of all to appreciate life. Sweet little darlings who can break our hearts with a tear, keeps us on our toes. Having a child is like becoming a child again.

Weekends..

Ahh the favorite time of the week is here again, the weekend. It’s so refreshing just to think about it. Gets us through the week I’m sure.It’s been some weeks when on Thursday I haven’t realized its Thursday until someone screams in office and says yaahhh so glad we don’t have to come to work tomorrow, then it dawns upon me, it’s Thursday already! Looking forward to, not waking up early, though we usually wake up late always. My little sweet pea is a late sleepers and the outcome late riser. Tomorrow don’t have to worry about a thing, get up late, and make a good breakfast fit for my King and get ready as soon as we can to head out with the grandparents to go for our breakfast. Friday is when the whole family goes for a morning car ride that ends with breakfast some where new. We like to try new places to compare which places got better breakfast buffet. Afterwards its time for a ride this last Friday ended to a swim in the artificial beach. Dad and little one had a good splashing session and darken too. The precious weekend, dad took him to a trim and his first ever motorbike ride to the artificial beach. They both went on their first ever time alone without the ever hovering mother. Usually after the morning outing its time for a quick snack and some much needed shut eye for both of us. It’s the best nap time ever, with a little snuggle bunny next to me, we both peacefully fall asleep. Of course sometimes while he sleeps it’s the time to get lunch prepared, bath taken, laundry put out. Afterwards we have our lunch, both get prepared; when he is ready he would complain to hurry me up. Sometimes brings the pants and the tops to wear for me, trying to get me dressed and out of the door as soon as he possible can. He enjoys his outing, sometimes to the park to ran around, he likes to run around the older kids that play football, he think he can keep up with them. He usually would take a few tumbles along the way and maybe throw some sand over his head. Its something he does, when he falls he takes the dirt up and throw it on to himself in the attempt to get up. Anyways back to our wonderful times together, there are times when we take endless rides in the car, and sometime take him to the park to see the bird and play on the swings and the slides. He learnt recently how to go down the swings. Totally excited to be doing that. He gets on to all the play things but he would sit still for long. Also sometimes we go the beach side to run around a little more, or run after the pigeons. Some weeks we visit our grand grandparents too. some weeks we get extra lucky when one of the family members or me decide to go for a treat, maybe ice cream or sub marines at dine-mor or milk shakes from Dhonmanik. Fully satisfied we would return home and begin on our usual routine for having dinner and reading books before royal highness decides he had enough for the day and retreat to his cot. It’s the most look forward to time of the week, maybe a little extra effort and energy is required but it’s totally worth it. Until the next weekend, when we might do something more adventurous and entertaining.

Stupid Dreams

Its one of those days when I feel tired for trying to sleep. My colleague said in the morning is, are you sick? Have you been crying? I guess I must be looking horrible. To be frank that’s exactly how I feel. I have no problem with my sweet pea waking me countless times at night, but this I can’t take it anymore. It’s been years since I have been having these dreams, of a certain person always playing a role in it. Nothing intimate, always trying to solve something, trying to pull me off ditches, windows or from dragons or back in the school days when we used to hang out together. Reunions, parties, having fun, long conversations, this is some of the things I remember from the dreams. A lot happens I guess, because in the morning I feel fatigue for trying to sleep and fighting for my life in some dreams. Its not like I think about this person before I go to bed, hardly ever crossed my mind but still appears in my dreams.. I wish this would go away and leave me alone, because in reality I am sure none of these is going to happen. If only these dreams would leave me alone for good…

Speaking for all single moms…

There is this question that pops up every time I receive a mail from circle of moms. What is the hardest thing for you being a single parent? This has been nagging me and I wanted to reply but never found the time. The answer is, having to do everything alone. Of course there are the grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins, step aunts, uncles and distant relatives. But it is never going to be same as having the father of the baby around. Nor can anyone take his place. It becomes our sole responsibility to do everything, and everything right for our little beings. From being there in person to handle and care for the little one, we also have to be the sole person to support the little one too. If we are to do both together we have to let someone else a relative or a paid caretaker to take care of the little one. It is no piece of cake to leave a little one with someone else, because in our hearts we feel nobody else can look after them like we do, obviously it would be different. But we like to be in control and try to make sure everything goes our way and try to make the little one feel as if there is not a lot of difference when someone else is in charge. Though we have to work out of home our hearts are still with the little one, and we can’t put in word how guilty we feel to leave them with someone else. If it was a dad feelings might have been different but when it comes to someone else we may have our reservations, no matter how close they might be to us. If we can we would do it all, and unfortunately we have no choice. Things we do alone, sole person to comfort the little one, sole person to feed, give baths, take her or he out, go shopping, get her all her necessary stuff, whether it is food, clothes, books. Yes, thankfully all the family members would help and contribute and give to the little one. But sometimes it could hurt our pride because we can’t be the ones to provide it all. You see we are ones with huge egos and pride. On the emotional side we got no one close enough as a father to share the baby achievements, their milestones, or sit together the watch the little ones dance or read books on their own or to watch together when the little one sleeps in silly postures. Not one to say, honey can you put her to sleep this time, or can you feed her, give her some water, and can you bring her from school. It’s the reality we face but people don’t see. It isn’t easy but we will not change it but there will be that void no one can fill nor can we explain. We have grown accustom to doing it alone, if we are to share with the partner we would have no clue. Our reward for doing this alone, we may not be the sole receivers but we are the most important person to our little ones :)

Presentation day

It was yesterday when I unfortunately had to go and see the doctor. Guess not something anyone likes to do. But it was an emergency, I been neglecting a lump in the armpit for years now and a colleague told me she had one too, which turned out to be a cyst which had to be surgically removed, that was scary enough for me to call for a appointment to see a doctor asap. It was an 8 o’clock appointment, wondered how I would manage with sweet pea’s breakfast and getting there in time and back to work. My stupid alarm clock didn’t go off, so I got up sharp at 8. I rushed and got there before 8.30. After having to wait in the long line to get a token number I finally made it down the staring line of strangers. As if people don’t see a girl going to see a doctor alone. People actually ask me, where is your husband? As if I cannot do this on my own. I been so used going to see the doctor alone, even when I was expecting sweet pea, until the nurses warned me and told me to bring assistant in case I had to deliver. It’s so hassle free, get some time alone to think things through, a moment to me. I am not much of a fan of taking someone along for shopping either, why cause then I might have to end up buying things person I tag along prefers. Anyways getting back to the subject, there I was waiting and waiting for my number, I was observing the people back too. I don’t know since having my little man, every pregnant lady or when I see kids it bring a smile. I was thinking this is a presentation too, everyone here is presenting their case and depending on how well and how someone presents it doctors gives us results. I was watching the old and the young going about, with their x-rays and scans and people asking each other what you are here for. There was this old man in a row in front of me; he said ''what are you here for?'' I doubted he was asking me but I replied to see the doctor! I know dumb answer. Why else would I be in a hospital?! He giggled away and come to find he was talking the person behind me!! The wait got so long it made me think a lot, like how I was going to give my excuses for not seeing the doctor sooner; I assumed doctor was going to be displeased for my delay. I was praying I wouldn’t have to go through a surgery with my little man so young, a day or two without him would kill me. I finally made it in and I was so speechless forgetting to say anything. Doctor thought I was nervous and scared he kept assuring me everything is fine, he said now that I had already come to see him that I was under his care and he will take care of it. After an inspection he gave me some medications to heal a swollen lymph node, if possible if not I guess it would be surgery after all. Doctor was a nice gentleman and I was glad I chose to see him. And I certainly have lost touch with my presentation skills.

Its not "your" thoughts that count

Ive heard this zillions of times, I witness this all the time. I never had the time to fully grasp this issue.You know how people say after a quarrel, if she doesn't talk first why I should be the one to talk. Why be polite to someone when they will not return the favor? If she goes aboard and does not bring a souvenir why should I bring her? She didn't give me any presents for my birthday why should i giver her any.. I myself am guilty on this count since Ive said to my dad, you gave me a cheap present for my birthday so next year you shall get a cheaper present too!! But I know better now and I have been most disturbed about this. Ive realized it's not what the other people think that count the most, it's what God things of you that matters.Being nice to someone even if they do not return the favor is great, because you are being yourself to help someone, it's their bad they do not return the favors but maybe if you continue to be yourself just maybe they might learn to be helpful people too.Being stubborn,hatred and revenge are sinful acts. We should not let pride get the best of us, after quarrels so what if i am the first one to break the ice, that makes me humble. God looks upon everyone's actions. Bless you.

Thank You

Where do I begin,
How do I describe my feelings,
How do express my joy, you brought to my life..
Since the day I knew you of you I been blessed,
Life changed for the better,
I made amends and made a better life for you & me,

All the hours, weeks, & months of waiting was worth the wait,
When you opened your tiny eyes & looked at me, my heart melted away,
I knew I waited for this moment all my life, reborn to be your mom,
I know I will do what ever it takes to make you happy,
to keep you safe and loved, my purpose to live,

It been a great journey so far,
Love the smiles, bites, the sounds you make,your laughs, silly little things you do,
Now that you can talk, its good to hear the i love you's, umahs,
Not forgetting the big big hugs you give,
I could wake up several times all my life just to hold you, to be near you,
I love the bond we share,
I know you get super excited when I am around and super moody too at times,
cause you know no matter what you do I would always be there,

At times it could get tough for you & me,
but baby hope you know I am doing the best I could,
Hope someday we can both look back and laugh over the silly things we do together,
Our dancing, our tickling sessions, our book reading,
I hope you know, Im grateful you chose me to be your mom,
You have taught me to relive, through your eyes I have began to see life in a very different preservative.
To be excited over little thing, to be nervous over things all over again,
You have brought life back into my life little man,
I so love you and I want to thank you for the happiness you have brought into my life :)