Stupid Dreams

Its one of those days when I feel tired for trying to sleep. My colleague said in the morning is, are you sick? Have you been crying? I guess I must be looking horrible. To be frank that’s exactly how I feel. I have no problem with my sweet pea waking me countless times at night, but this I can’t take it anymore. It’s been years since I have been having these dreams, of a certain person always playing a role in it. Nothing intimate, always trying to solve something, trying to pull me off ditches, windows or from dragons or back in the school days when we used to hang out together. Reunions, parties, having fun, long conversations, this is some of the things I remember from the dreams. A lot happens I guess, because in the morning I feel fatigue for trying to sleep and fighting for my life in some dreams. Its not like I think about this person before I go to bed, hardly ever crossed my mind but still appears in my dreams.. I wish this would go away and leave me alone, because in reality I am sure none of these is going to happen. If only these dreams would leave me alone for good…

Speaking for all single moms…

There is this question that pops up every time I receive a mail from circle of moms. What is the hardest thing for you being a single parent? This has been nagging me and I wanted to reply but never found the time. The answer is, having to do everything alone. Of course there are the grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins, step aunts, uncles and distant relatives. But it is never going to be same as having the father of the baby around. Nor can anyone take his place. It becomes our sole responsibility to do everything, and everything right for our little beings. From being there in person to handle and care for the little one, we also have to be the sole person to support the little one too. If we are to do both together we have to let someone else a relative or a paid caretaker to take care of the little one. It is no piece of cake to leave a little one with someone else, because in our hearts we feel nobody else can look after them like we do, obviously it would be different. But we like to be in control and try to make sure everything goes our way and try to make the little one feel as if there is not a lot of difference when someone else is in charge. Though we have to work out of home our hearts are still with the little one, and we can’t put in word how guilty we feel to leave them with someone else. If it was a dad feelings might have been different but when it comes to someone else we may have our reservations, no matter how close they might be to us. If we can we would do it all, and unfortunately we have no choice. Things we do alone, sole person to comfort the little one, sole person to feed, give baths, take her or he out, go shopping, get her all her necessary stuff, whether it is food, clothes, books. Yes, thankfully all the family members would help and contribute and give to the little one. But sometimes it could hurt our pride because we can’t be the ones to provide it all. You see we are ones with huge egos and pride. On the emotional side we got no one close enough as a father to share the baby achievements, their milestones, or sit together the watch the little ones dance or read books on their own or to watch together when the little one sleeps in silly postures. Not one to say, honey can you put her to sleep this time, or can you feed her, give her some water, and can you bring her from school. It’s the reality we face but people don’t see. It isn’t easy but we will not change it but there will be that void no one can fill nor can we explain. We have grown accustom to doing it alone, if we are to share with the partner we would have no clue. Our reward for doing this alone, we may not be the sole receivers but we are the most important person to our little ones :)